“I didn’t have it so bad, why do I feel this way” is a statement I hear often from the people I work with as a therapist.
Just because you were provided for and received the “things” that other kids envied, doesn’t mean you grew up in an emotionally healthy environment. This too is often met with resistance at first. We often want to protect our parents– “they weren’t abusive or anything! I can see why someone who was physically or verbally abused would struggle, but I’m struggling and I didn’t have it so bad.”
Let me reassure you, I don’t think anyone needs to “blame” their parents for the lack of emotional bonding they experienced as children. Your parents may have been unable or unaware of what it means to be emotionally present for their children and families for a myriad of reasons including:
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preoccupation in caring for another loved one who was not well
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dealing with stressors that took them away (physically or emotionally) from emotionally responding to you
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their own mental or physical health problems
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addiction (alcoholism, drugs, work, etc.)
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a family history of emotional neglect in their family which left them without role models to teach them about emotional connection and expression
What is important here is to understand that this is a significant wound that leaves you feeling very empty today. If this sounds like you, what you may be experiencing is called Childhood Emotional Neglect.
If you grew up in a family that did not show a lot of affection or expression of emotion, or you didn’t feel okay expressing your emotions freely because you worried about them being dismissed, you most likely experienced emotional neglect in your childhood. It can be hard to identify because it is represented in what didn’t happen in your childhood.
Why is emotional neglect so harmful?
When your feelings aren’t noticed or validated, especially as a vulnerable child, you begin to believe you are not important. Over time, you learn not to value your feelings and you push them away or numb them in unhealthy ways. This leads to disconnection from yourself and others, resulting in some, many or all of the following presenting issues:
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Feelings of emptiness and loneliness
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Never feeling good enough, despite being successful
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Difficulty connecting with most of your feelings
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Numbing or avoiding feelings
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Lack of intimate connection with friends and significant others
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People pleasing and putting others needs ahead of your own
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Low self-worth
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Fear of abandonment
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Feeling something is fundamentally wrong with you
If the information in this post resonates with you, please know that help is available. Support with a therapist can include exploring emotional literacy, validating experiences and feelings, and increasing ways of being self-compassionate.
I would love to help by offering my services. Simply fill out the “contact me today” form on the right hand-side of this page and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Alternatively, you can call or email me to make an appointment or ask any questions you may have. I can be reached at 289-686-0903 or melindabilotta@gmail.com